The Sorrow

In those moments, when the sorrow descends and rests upon your heart, your whole world changes and it will never be the same again. At least that was the way it was for me when I heard the words, "I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat. Your baby has died." The sorrow comes like a thief in the night stealing the joy from your life.

I've thought about that day a lot recently as politicians have recently discussed women's health issues in the news. Once again, abortion is a hot political topic. Once again, birth control is up for debate. Honestly, these are both issues I thought were decided a long time ago. Why must it come up again and again?

I thought about that day as I read about Michelle Duggar's recent miscarriage. The sorrow she is experiencing is immense. I cannot even begin to imagine living it out on TV with all the world to watch. All I wanted to do was hide, to bury myself deep under the blankets and not come out until I could forget. The problem is you can't forget. Even now, eight years later there are days where I remember the pain, the sorrow, and the dreams that were lost. Even now, with two healthy children who are the light of my lives, I will always remember what might have been.

The sorrow, the emotions, and the reality of life is what always angers me when politicians use issues like birth control and abortion to "win" votes. These are not clear-cut issues with right or wrong answers. The answers here are as varied as the stories of the women who tell them. Listen to my story and see how recent politicians' viewpoints would have impacted me.

It was 2004. My husband and I had been married for 4 years. After much discussion, we decided we would try to get pregnant. Well, there is no trying for me. I'm about as fertile as they come and it didn't take long for the line on  the stick to turn pink. Yes! I'm pregnant. We were very excited. But we didn't tell anyone in the beginning. We wanted to wait until we were through that tricky first trimester. Well, we did tell our boss, the senior pastor, because he was leaving on sabbatical. We thought it might be weird for him to come back and find me 6 months pregnant!

Soon, after much anxious waiting and hopeful planning, I went to the doctor for a 12 week check-up. Only, as I lay on that table, she got a concerned look on her face as she felt my belly. Then, she tried to find a heartbeat. Her eyes grew darker. I could tell something was wrong just by looking at her. She said, "Oh, it might be nothing but we need to get you scheduled for an ultrasound." Only, that would take 3 days. Three of the longest days of my life.

When my husband and I arrive for the ultrasound, the tech is all cheery. Until he reads my file. He starts the procedure and finds a small fetus. But, it's so small he can't see what is going on with it. He turns to me and says, "Hon, I'm gonna need you to go get undressed because I need to do a trans-vaginal on you." "I'm sorry, but could you explain to me what that is first," I say to him. So, he does. And, I cooperate. And, yes, it is very uncomfortable. I WANT to know what is going on with this baby, but, I can not fathom any good reason why a politician would make a woman have one of these invasive ultrasounds before she chooses to have an abortion.

The trans-vaginal ultrasound does it's job. It lets us know that I have indeed miscarried. My fetus stopped developing at 8 weeks. Here I am at 12 weeks carrying a baby that has no heartbeat. A baby I had hopes and dreams for. But, it is gone.

Yet, it's not gone. It's still there in my uterus. The medical term is a "missed miscarriage." No one knows how long I could have carried that non-developing fetus in me. It might have stayed there for months had I chosen to let it abort naturally. My doctor said we could stay the course for about a week and see what happens. Or, I could have a D & C that very day. The sooner it happened, the better for my uterus. The longer this baby stayed there the more likely I could develop a serious infection. But the choice was mine to make.

The choice was mine to make. Not some politician in Georgia who says I should carry a dead fetus full-term no matter what. The choice was mine. I was the one dealing with all of the emotions, all of the sorrow. I needed to end this pregnancy which had already ended itself. I needed to "clean house" and move on, at least physically. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I had a ways to go. But, it was my choice to make. So, I made it. On Friday, May 28, 2004, I had a medically necessary abortion because of a missed miscarriage. One of the saddest days of my life.

The sorrow that comes from losing a pregnancy can be overwhelming. The emotions each woman faces is very different. Different as each story. Different as each woman. The sorrow I have experienced this past month as I have read different politicians (both male and female) express definitive view points on this issue has almost overwhelmed me. And, I am angry. I am angry that many think issues like abortion are either black or white. It is not. Especially when stories like mine, an abortion that was not wanted but needed, becomes a part of the political foray.

I cannot tell you what to think or how to vote or what you should believe. I only want to tell you my story so you can understand that there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to these politically divisive issues. Personally, I believe abortions should be avoided at all costs. But, to completely outlaw them will only make our world an even more tragic place to live. If you haven't watched Dirty Dancing in a while, you should! That movie has a lot more to say about abortion than it does dancing.

Many will say to me that I did not have an abortion. Yet, there are politicians out there today who want to make what I did illegal. How is that helping anyone? How is that helping our society? It's not. You see, that's a private decision that needs to be made between a person and her doctor. Plain and simple.

I believe our arguments over political issues like abortion and birth control sadden God. God knows we live in a crazy place. God knows there is sin in our world. God knows that we will make mistakes. What God really wants is for us to come together to talk about our differences. God wants us to respect each other. God wants us to love each other. God wants us to honor each other's opinions. God wants us to love our enemies. Because when we do, that's when the Kingdom of God is most present in our world. And, the sorrow that surrounds us all is replaced with a sense of peace.

The Sewing Project

The huge project my daughter and I worked on a few weeks ago received a blue ribbon. I mentioned this project in my post The Spiritual Art of Sewing. The project was to decorate a potato. In case you can't tell by the picture, she made a Chinese girl by the Great Wall. It was a lot of work. We had a lot of fun, too! She did a great job. I just love her smile.

Stepping Out Into Darkness

“Stepping Out Into Darkness”

Rev. Nancy Dunn

March 25, 2012
John 12:20-36

Have you seen the Hunger Games movie yet? It’s the one that just came out this weekend much to the delight of many teenagers and young adults everywhere. Of course, it was a book trilogy first. And, if you do go to see it, I recommend reading the books first. Even if you don’t go to see it, I still recommend reading the books.

While religion does not specifically play a part in either the books or the movie, for those with a keen mind, the morals and ethics, the spiritual story of Christianity can be seen in the character development of these young teens who are forced to make life and death decisions that many of us would never dream we would have to make. It is an allegory of love; the kind of selfless love given to us by God our creator through the Son, Jesus Christ. It is the kind of “love that sacrifices itself for the sake of others, that sees the hurt and pain in the world and offers healing, and that sees the hungry and feeds them.”[1]

The main character of the trilogy is Katniss Everdeen. She is a 16 year old whose father died five years before the story beings in a horrific coal mining accident. In the years since her father’s death, she managed to keep her family alive through her illegal hunting and gathering methods. Her world is a dark and terrible place. There is little hope for anyone who is not already privileged, wealthy citizens of the Capitol. The darkness consumes the lives of those who live in the 12 Districts ruled by the Capitol. The country, Panem, is ruled by a wealthy Capitol that keeps the Districts dependent on it for survival. Each district is forced to satisfy the Capitol’s needs for food, fuel, and materials. The districts are pretty much enslaved by the Capitol. The Capitol keeps them in check by reminding them of what happened to the obliterated District 13 and through the Annual Hunger Games. Each district must send 2 youth, a boy and a girl, to the Capitol to participate in a Survivor-like gameshow. The big difference between the Survivor currently on TV and the Hunger Games is that the contestants literally kill each other off until only one is left.

The youth are chosen through a lottery each year. And, at the beginning of the book, we find out Katniss’ little sister is the girl chosen this year to represent District 12. Katniss has always protected her little sister, so she immediately volunteers. That is only the first act of self-sacrifice in this exciting Trilogy. Katniss’ act of self-sacrifice and the genuine gift of love and life given to her by Peeta, her fellow contestant from District 12, helps start a rebellion throughout all of the Districts against the Capitol.

The Hunger Games is a novel about the outsiders, the enslaved who give of themselves to others in order to change the world for the better for others. Katniss leaves her dark life behind only to be consumed by a darker reality. She is taken away to fight to the death, and through countless brave acts she unknowingly becomes a symbol of light and hope to the future. As she enters the grand arena for the entrance parade, she is dressed in an outfit that is literally on fire. That gives her the name Katniss, the Girl on Fire. She provides the light to the rebellion. She shows them the way.

There is a scene in the movie that did not take place in the book. It really caught my attention as it relates to our scripture this morning. The President of the Capitol is talking with the Seneca, the Head Gamemaker about this amazing girl on fire. “Seneca, why do you think we have a winner?” President Snow asks while cutting a white rose. “What do you mean?” Seneca replies. “I mean, why do we have a winner?” Snow repeats, before pausing. “Hope,” he says. “Hope?” Seneca replies slightly bewildered. “Hope, it is the only thing stronger than fear. A little hope is effective, a lot of hope is dangerous,” Snow declares. “Spark is fine, as long as it’s contained. So, contain it,” Snow warns.

“Hope, it is the only thing stronger than fear. Spark is fine, as long as it’s contained. So, contain it.” I imagine Jesus knew that those against him were saying words like this to one another. Caiaphas probably let similar words fall from his lips as he talked with his fellow leaders of the Temple and later with Pilate. Jesus himself knew that his time was drawing to a close. The darkness of the world began to surround him. The darkness came to swallow him up as it tried to put out the light, the spark that others saw and received from him.

The scripture begins with the Greeks coming to see Jesus. When Jesus hears that his message has reached even these foreigners, he knows that his time must be near. Instead of talking with the Greeks, Jesus tells everyone that his hour has come. He goes on to share that he, like a grain of wheat must die and be buried in order to produce much fruit. Without his death, others would not know or experience the love of God offered to us through Christ Jesus.

In the Gospel of John, Jesus is described as the Light in more than one place. In John 8, Jesus declares, “I am the Light of the World.” Those who followed him, followed the light. He wanted to bathe them in the light. Have them soak it up the way many of us tried to soak up the sun this past week. Because he knew that the light would soon fade away. He knew that his time of leading the disciples by the hand was coming to an end. He knew they must be prepared to step out into the darkness without him. Jesus needed them to catch hold of the spark he offered them so they might burn and become an amazing fire, ready to consume the hearts of everyone who heard the good news. Ready to consume the hearts of everyone who received God’s amazing love. Ready to spread that love and hope and fire to others. “Spark is fine as long as it’s contained.” It’s hard to stop a little spark once it reaches tender. Little did those first century Romans, Jews, and Greeks know how big that fire would grow.

In some ways, our world is not too different from the world of Katniss or the world of Jesus. Darkness exists in the world. Bad things happen to us and around us each day. And, if we are not ready to face that darkness, the light in our lives can be extinguished.

To put it another way, each day the sun sets and the light fades into the night. We must keep our lamps ready to shine light into the night so we do not lose our way. If we don’t keep fresh batteries, our lights will go out and the darkness can consume us. Sometimes it can happen even before we realize it or are ready for it. Just like the disciples were not ready when Jesus was arrested, crucified and buried. Many of them abandoned him. Peter denied him. Only the women and John were there the day he was crucified. The darkness overcame the other disciples. They were not ready for it.

When dark times come into our lives, the darkness can overwhelm us even before we have a chance to get our flashlights out. What turns off the light in our lives is different for each of us. For some it’s the death of a loved one. For others it’s the end of a dream they have strived years to achieve. It could be the loss of a job. An untimely illness. A sudden car wreck.

For Patrice Williams, it was the discovery that her newborn baby had a rare genetic skin disease called Epidermolysis Bullosa. Her son Jonah’s skin is so sensitive that the lightest touch can cause it to blister and fall off. Through much prayer, medicine, and love, Jonah is a happy three year old. But it’s a hard life that confines them to their home many days as they deal with one medical need after another. Yet, as she tells their story in her blog, she writes about love and faith that sustain them and how God has blessed them with life. She writes about hope and the importance of their church community that gives them strength for each new day. She writes of how they know they are the BLESSED ones because of all the blessings Jonah has brought into their lives despite the hardships of each day. The darkness that came with the diagnosis; the darkness that came with the end of their dreams did not overwhelm them. Instead, the light and love of Christ overcame that darkness. The light and love of Christ gives them hope that one day there will be a cure. The light and love of Christ gives them hope that each day will be a blessing simply because Jonah is with them. The light and love of Christ gives them hope that their story will be an inspiration to others whose lives are overwhelmed by the darkness of the world showing others the way to the light of Christ.[2]

Our scripture today concludes with these words, “While you have the light, believe in the light, so that you may become children of light.” After Jesus had said this, he departed and hid from them.” Jesus, the light of the world, steps out into the darkness. He steps out into the darkness that threatens to consume our very souls. Yet, he is not consumed by it. It does not overwhelm him.

Instead, the light he provides shines in our dark world beckoning us to come to him. When the darkness of this world overwhelms us, we must get our spark from him. He is the spark that cannot be contained. He is the hope that is stronger than our fears. Jesus is the One who has come to save us and give us eternal life. Thanks be to God.

Amen.


[1] Julie Clawson, “The Hunger Games: An Allegory of Christian Love,” Huffington Post, 20 March 2012 (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/julie-clawson/hunger-games-allegory-of-christian-love_b_1365594.html?ref=religion).
[2] Patrice Williams, Before the Morning, http://patriceandmattwilliams.blogspot.com.

The Spiritual Art of Sewing

My older daughter and I are in the midst of a huge project for school. She is a dreamer and loves to think up grand ideas for her assigned projects. I indulge her as I long to be crafty but have limited talent. And, I have to admit I do love to help her with the projects. The latest project is the Annual Elementary School Potato Decorating Contest.

Trust me, it's more complicated than you think. These kids go all out to decorate a potato. Yes, that's right. A potato. Last year, we used felt to make a simple Irish girl. Some cutting here. A little bit of glue there. Yarn for the hair. Glue gun burn on my finger. And, it was complete. She won a second place ribbon. It was our first potato and I had no idea how much work some of the older kids put into this project. So this year we are dreaming big!

This year, we are building the Great Wall of China, painting a backdrop for it, and sewing a dress for this potato. We made the dress yesterday with the help of a friend from church. It was fun to cut out the dress together. And, both of my daughters loved using the sewing machine. The adults did some of the more complicated sewing. Everyone did their part. It looks cute. Today, we start the backdrop.

This project got me thinking again about sewing, specifically the people in my life who sew. One of my spiritual mentors from childhood is a fantastic sewer. She can sew anything. She made banners for church, blankets for needy kids, Christmas ornaments, all kinds of things. It was always amazing to see what she could make. Her husband is also crafty. He could make all kinds of things out of wood. Together, they could craft just about anything.

One of the greatest things this couple made were not craft projects though. It was the relationships they intentionally built with the youth of my childhood church. Each year they were mentors for a youth in the pastor's class. They took time to get to know us. I can remember lots of meals at Burger King with them where we would talk about life, church, God, and the world. It didn't matter what we talked about. The important thing was the time they spent with me and the other kids at church.

Through their actions, we learned that we were important, that God loved us, and they cared about us. Being connected to adults other than a parent is very important for the spiritual health of a child. It's vital for kids to know that they are valued by other adults. When children know they are valued and respected for who they are, it helps build their self-esteem. It gives them confidence to build other relationships. And, from a spiritual perspective, children gain healthy role models for spiritual growth.

I am thankful for the many adults in my life who helped me grow into the person I am today. I am thankful for the many adults in the lives of my children who are helping them grow in their faith and knowledge of God. While this potato project may be a lot of work, it gives me a lot of time to spend with my girl. So, thank you, Mr. Elementary School Principal for coming up with these crazy projects that give me more intentional time to spend with my daughter. For us, it's good spiritual time, too!

Leaving the Past Behind

I think God is trying to tell me something today. Both of my morning devotional readings talked about leaving the past where it belongs: in the past.

Learning to do that is hard. It is easy to remember the glory days of our youth, the big events that define our lives. When we achieve something big, like winning an award, we want to stay there and soak about the accolades. We want to keep those happy moments in our minds always. Those moments of joy are wonderful, who wouldn't want to keep those feelings always present?!

But, it's also easy to allow the negative events in our lives to overwhelm us. To remember moments of defeat and always wonder what went wrong. To wallow in the mud pits of our lives and never move forward. In some ways this is a lot easier to do than living in our past moments of joy. It seems like there are always more negative events to dwell on, even if they weren't really as negative as we remember them. Why is it that we allow ourselves to let the negative events that happen to us to rule over our lives? That's not what God wants for us. And, it's certainly not what we should want for ourselves.

Another way I tend to live in the past is to recognize the good things, the good people I've encountered in the past only after they are gone. Sometimes I'm so busy working or I'm so distracted by other things, I let the good things - the God things - pass me by. And, when I've moved on or my life situation has changed, I realize what I've truly missed!

The God lesson I'm learning today is to live in the present. This is a lesson I constantly need to learn. I've preached about it. I've taught classes about it. But, it's one of those lessons we need to learn over and over again. Today, I'm focusing on today. Which includes a sewing lesson! Pray for me! :)